


Try

by Robertshandsaremyweakness



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Comfort/Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-02 03:31:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16297370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robertshandsaremyweakness/pseuds/Robertshandsaremyweakness
Summary: Sometimes all you can do is try....





	1. Chapter 1

Aaron felt the heat of the water pounding down on his shoulders and closed his eyes. His head ached and if he was honest, all he wanted was to not face today of all days. If he could go back to this time last year when it was all so different….He remembered waking to the scent of Robert’s skin between his shoulder blades where he loved kissing him first thing in the morning. He remembered lazy sex where the line between them as people blurred and they became one being alive in the sensation of each other. He remembered Robert’s stunning smile when he had walked into the pub to the surprise party he and Vic had organised for him and the way his heart glowed while watching his husband be so happy…..but that was all gone now. The time between then and now had been a long dark night.

It had been months since any feeling like that had been alive in him. No, it was just going to be another day. Work, dinner, TV, bed. Nothing to write home about. The heat of the shower prickled on his shoulders and wanted to see how long he could stand it before he had to move. Behind his eyes, other images of shouting, slamming doors, empty cans and angry eyes floated to the surface. Pain like the snap of a whip filled his chest. Reaching for the temperature dial, he turned it all the way up and waited for the release.

He opened his eyes slowly, hands braced on the wall in front of him, the fire on his shoulders finally demanding his attention, pushing the images from his brain and making him breathe deeply until he felt himself calming and the pain leaving him. He shut the shower off suddenly and left the bathroom after wrapping a towel around himself. He dried off quickly and rubbed some cream into his still stinging shoulders after assessing the damage which wasn’t too bad considering how hot the water had been. Could have been worse.

Shouldhavebeenworse.

Youdeservesomuchworseyouworthlessbastard

Youdontdeserveanybetterandyouknowit.

Youdontdeserveanybetterandyouknowit

Youknowit…..youknowit…..

The voice in his mind curled around his heart like smoke, choking his ability to fight against it. Gordon’s voice. That low, menacing rasp that had terrified his nights as a child and had chased him in his waking nightmares ever since.

Youwillnevergetridofmeaaron

Worthlessworthlessbastard

Youweresobadnowonderheleftyou

Everyoneleavesyouordies

Allyourfault

Allyourfault….

Before Aaron knew what he was doing, a razor was in his hand, hovering over his forearm daring him to go there again, glittering with malice. He was shaking, that horrible voice echoing in his head, tears shredding at him. His breathing became harsh and it would be so easy. One little flick and ……

“Have I ever told you how amazing you are?”

“Nothing is worth this much pain”

“I love you so much”

Blue eyes as clear as the Yorkshire sky on a summers day. Smiling, laughing, loving eyes filled his mind.

“I’ve nearly lost you twice. I can’t do it again…”

Excepthedidbecauseyouareweak

Doit

Makeeveryoneelsehappierif youdied

Noonewouldmissyounotevenrobert

Doit

Aaron dropped the razor in the sink before the the tiny string that was tethering his will to fight this devil in his head and any chance of a life beyond this pain severed beyond healing; he turned and ran into his bedroom, his heart and lungs racing each other into almost collapse. He went to the stereo on the dresser and punched it on, pressing buttons to track nine and he waited.

“When the rain is blowing in your face and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love….”

Adele’s smoky, pain filled but incredibly beautiful voice filled the room and Aaron’s heart began to slow and his lungs felt less tight and slowly, slowly he began to breathe easier. He turned it all the way up to drown Gordon out and put his hand on the speaker, feeling the vibrations through his fingers. Aaron listened to the song three times through breathing deeply before he felt back to normal. He turned off the stereo and found his phone. He dialled the number and waited.

“It’s Aaron. Yeah, can I see you today? 10:30’s fine. Thanks”

He hung up and got dressed. Made breakfast, sent a quick text saying he was taking the day off and tried not to look at the picture on top of the mantle of their wedding that he could never quite bring himself to take down. His shoulders still stung and despite himself, he was grateful for that.

Beyond grateful.

**************

“So what happened?”

“I nearly cut again this morning”

“Nearly?”

“ But I didn’t. I just stood under a really hot shower and burned my shoulders. Which is just as stupid but it isn’t cutting”

“No it isn’t. Which is good, Aaron. Why? What was the trigger? Do you know?”

“Yeah….it’s his birthday. It’s my husband’s birthday and he isn’t with me. I was in the shower and remembering things. Some of them good, some not and HIS voice came back and I…I wanted Robert there and he isn’t! Because of me and this stupid shit in my head. It’s all my fault. It always is…..”

“But you didn’t cut, Aaron. You stopped yourself from doing it. That’s amazing. How did you stop yourself?”

“I listened to a song. Our song. It probably sounds weird to you but…..

“You need to stop that. Stop minimising your feelings. I think most of why you do this is because you don’t feel entitled to your feelings. It isn’t weird. It’s good. What did you get out of doing that?”

“I stopped myself. I felt calmer. More in control. It was the song we played at our wedding. Adele. Make You Feel My Love. God, miss him so much…”

“So you used something you associate with Robert to ground you and resisted cutting. That is such a massive thing. Do you understand that?”

“Is it?”

“Of course, Aaron. That is such a good thing. Have you actually told him that you miss him? Have you laid it all out for him? Can you do that? Make yourself so vulnerable to him?”

“I haven’t told him, no. I try to avoid things like that, I’m bad at talking to people I love about stuff like that. That’s why I can talk to you. I don’t love you. No offence.”

“None taken. I’m neutral. I’m safe. I don’t have any risk attached to me. I get it. But, for you to either move on or through life without making yourself vulnerable to someone is just impossible. Give him a chance to see that in you, Aaron. The way you talk about him here, I think you’ve got a good man there. Try. Just try. Don’t think. Try.”

“I…..I don’t even know if he wants me anymore….”

“Do you want him? Do you want your husband back, Aaron?”

“More than anything.”

“Then you need to fight for him. You inspired him to fight for what he wanted. You need to do the same. Try.”

************

Aaron drove back to the village and parked outside the Woolpack. He strolled in and ordered a beer from the bar which he had taken barely a sip of when Victoria came out of the kitchen with an order for someone. She saw him and approached him gingerly.

“Alright, Aaron?”

“Yeah, where’s Robert?”

“Why?”

“I want to talk to him. It’s his birthday. I need to say….things to him….please Vic….where is he?”

“Not here. Not at the haulage yard. Not at home. He’s gone away for his birthday. Alone. He didn’t want to be here. I don’t blame him really. He doesn’t have much to keep him here now, does he?”

“What? Do you know where he’s gone?”

“Of course I do. Seeing as I’m the only one who cares these days.”

“Don’t say that, Vic….”

“Why not? It’s just the truth.”

Victoria’s clear brown eyes, so different from her brother’s in colour were no less powerful. They went glassy and she quickly wiped the corner of her eye. He had known Victoria for most of his life and knew she was the gatekeeper. Her loyalty to her brother was sacred. He knew he needed to convince her too.

“Vic, I am so sorry for how I’ve been….I haven’t been good to either of you but…..”

“You have barely opened your mouth to him for nearly six months, Aaron. He walks in, you walk out. You froze me out too for some reason. I thought you were my friend too but no, I had to be shut out. You hurt me too!”

She really was crying now. Vic turned on her heel and went back into the kitchen. He followed her and found her braced against the sink, her chin on her chest, breathing deeply.

“Vic, I’m so sorry. I really am. I didn’t know it would be difficult for you too. I’m sorry.”

Victoria Sugden Barton looked at him through her tears. She stood up to her full height, her chin set and her voice crisp. She spoke slowly so she couldn’t possibly be misunderstood.

“ You are my brother in law. My husband is your best friend in the world. I’ve known you for years. I cannot tell you how proud I am for all you have been through and overcome. I love you as a brother. But you broke his heart, Aaron. The way you were was…..he’s changed. He still loves you. I hear him crying in the night sometimes and he spends his days pretending he’s fine but he isn’t. If you want to say things to him which I presume means you want him back, you need to promise me that it’s for good. That you will work your hardest to never go there again. Your actions effect other people, even when you turn all your hate on yourself. He hasn’t seen anyone else. He’s just existed. He needs to live but so do you. So please, if you want him, make it forever. Make it so that if you feel yourself getting ill again, you talk about it. Talk to me! Talk to someone else! But talk, Aaron, I’m begging you because I can’t risk my brother’s heart again. Either of you.”

It was Aaron’s turn to cry now. He wordlessly pulled her into a hug she reciprocated. They stood there crying and holding each other for a minute or two before Vic let go. She took both his hands and rested them, locked together on her chest.

“God, I’m sorry, Vic….”

“ I know. I know you can’t control it always but please try to see what we have seen. The man we all love so much tearing himself to pieces. Literally. Do you still do it?”

“I’m getting better. I’m going to counselling. I was just there today. My counsellor is great. She told me the same. I have to try. Let me try. Where is he?”

“Okay. He went to that cottage on the moors near Haworth. He said you went there once for a few days. Do you still know where it is?”

“Yeah, I know. Thank you, Vic.”

“Be happy, Aaron. That’s all I want for both of you” She kissed his cheek and let go of his hands.

“It’s all I want too. I need to go but thank you….Sis.”

Aaron smiled at her and left the kitchen, half running to his car. He was going to try and dammit, he was going to win.

***********

The drive to Haworth didn’t take long. It was like muscle memory finding this cottage again. It had only been two days but they had been perfect. There was no mobile signal, no Wifi and the cottage itself was isolated down a winding path with the moor stretched out behind it as if they were the only two people in the world. For those couple of days, it had felt that way. They had walked, talked, got drunk on cheap wine, had wonderful sex and laid out under the stars at night. The memory of that time swelled in his chest as he approached the cottage. Robert’s car was parked outside.

Aaron parked and turned off the engine. Laying his arms on top of the wheel, his chin resting on his arms, he prayed he had the strength to get through this. Whatever Robert wanted to say had to be said and accepted even if that was for him to go. But he was determined to try.

Aaron got out of the car and walked to the front door. He knocked but there was no reply. He walked around the side of the house and heard a gentle thwack as an axe cut wood. Robert hadn’t heard the car. The wind had picked up and was blowing in the wrong direction. How long had it been since Aaron had really looked at his husband? Too, too long. It had simply been too painful but now he could.

Robert had his back to Aaron. He was thinner, certainly. His long legs were cased in his best black jeans and he was wearing a pair of trainers. There was a blue t-shirt and a purple hoodie over the top half of him. His hoodie. The action of bringing his arms up to chop the wood made his t-shirt ride up revealing creamy skin underneath.

Aaron could tell he was tired and worn in a way that had nothing to do with chopping wood. Robert picked up the pieces he had been chopping, placed them in the basket and turned around. Their eyes met and Aaron’s heart began to beat like the wings of a trapped bird. He had lost weight. That large but gentle frame of his looked withered. It didn’t suit him at all.

Robert walked up to Aaron slowly. Aaron’s mouth went dry and he reminded himself why he was there. Try. You promised you would.

Robert stopped in front of him and put his basket down. Those large blue eyes looked into his like lasers. Neither of them spoke immediately. Robert wouldn’t drop eye contact and he knew he had to go first.

“Hi” Not a flicker from Robert. God…okay.

“I just came to say something to you….I wanted to say…..”

“Why did Vic tell you I was here?”

“How do you know it was her?”

“She was the only one I told where I was going. Why are you here? What is this?”

“I wanted to say something to you. I need to say something to you…..Okay, I am sorry. For everything. I’m a mess. I have no excuses for the way I behaved. I know I was drinking all the time and shutting you out. I know I was a nightmare. I’ve closed myself down from everyone and it’s almost killed me but I thought it was better that way. I’ve let us get to this. I’ve hurt you so badly and I know I don’t deserve you but I wanted to tell you I’m seeing a counsellor now and she’s really helped me see what’s going on with me. I’m doing the work and so far it’s going well….”

“Is that it? Is that all you came to say?”

“No”

“What else?”

“Happy Birthday….” he ended lamely. Robert scoffed and picked up his basket.

“Go home, Aaron. I don’t want you here. You’re ruining this for me. I wanted to be alone here. Can you just go, please?”

Robert stalked back to the house. The heat rose in Aaron’s chest as he watched his man walk away from him again. He ran up to Robert and whirled him around


	2. Chapter 2

"No. You don’t get to dismiss me like that, Robert. I’m your husband!”

“Are you fucking serious?! You’re playing the husband card?! Really?! Of all the things to say, you choose that? Aaron, do you even remember how many times I said that to you and it made no difference? How many times I tried to get you to see me through all the stuff in your head?” Robert took a deep breath and let it out slowly. His face softened slightly. “Thank you for telling me about your counselling. That’s great you’re doing that but this is pointless. Please just go. I can’t do this today. I’m sorry.”

“You came here. Alone. On your birthday. Why? Of all places in the world to go, you come here. Because this was our place. For us only. No one else. But we ended. And you came here anyway”

“Stop it Aaron…”

“Face it Robert. I’m here and I’m not leaving. Not without you”

“Aaron, I swear to God, if you don’t get in that car and go home I’m gonna….”

“What?! What exactly are you going to do about it? I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you.”

“Why the fuck is everything about you and what you need?! So what if you’ve had a sudden crisis of conscience and come to find me? So what? Why the hell should I believe this given that I literally begged you to talk to me? What difference does anything make?!”

Robert’s hand had clenched into fists, his face tight with anger but Aaron could see it was all for show. His feelings were real true enough but behind all of that, there was so much tiredness and sadness. Compassion, as strong as any river flooded him for this poor man he had hurt so badly.

“My God, you look so tired….”

Robert looked at him with haunted eyes. There were dark circles under them and with a pang of deep regret, he remembered what a bad sleeper Robert was when he wasn’t there. Without thinking about what he was doing, Aaron put his hand on Robert’s cheek and with the pad of his thumb traced the line of bruised looking skin under his eyes and over his prominent cheekbone. To his surprise and joy, Robert’s breath hitched and he closed his eyes, melting into his hand. Daring to risk it, Aaron took a step closer and placed his forehead on Robert’s temple.

“I’m so sorry Robert. I love you. I’ve missed you. Please….”

Robert opened his eyes and looked at him. Aaron could see the struggle in his eyes between his head and his heart. Their lips were only an inch or two apart but this was Robert’s call. Finally, he seemed to steel himself. Robert took Aaron’s hand off his cheek but didn’t drop it. He squeezed it gently and with a rough voice he said “Come into the house. We need to talk.”

******

The inside of the house was exactly as Aaron remembered it. It was all dark wood, chintzy furniture and mismatched plates. It smelled of baking, log smoke and it felt so cosy. They went into the kitchen and Robert turned on the kettle. Aaron sat down at the table. Robert made tea for them both and sat opposite him.

“So, why today? Why did you come here today?”

“I needed to see you. I’m sorry. For everything. For everytime I’ve ignored you, pushed you away, walked away and anything else I’ve done to hurt you.”

“That’s a long list. You know why I had to leave, don’t you? It was the only thing I felt I could do. For myself. It was so hard to watch you destroy yourself.” Aaron nodded.

“I don’t blame you. At all. I know I’m a mess but that’s why I started the counselling. I get bad sometimes but I’m making progress.Today I did have a blip but I went to my counsellor and I’m so glad I did because that’s why I’m here.”

“What does a blip mean?”

“Well I almost….I mean I nearly hurt myself. But I didn’t. Because of you.”

“What did I do?”

“If I explain this to you, I need you to hear me out until the end, okay?”

“Okay”

“ When it gets bad in my head, its like I have pieces of broken glass in there and each piece is something I have done wrong in my life. My head is full of glass, Robert. Now, when the thoughts start and Gordon talks to me, the things he says make the me in here run against the glass because of how bad I am. How bad he made me. So, it helps me to see myself bleeding because I am in my head. I keep running into the glass and I can’t escape from it. But today, I didn’t do that. I nearly did but I escaped. Because when I ran at the glass, you were there too. You told me you loved me. Over and over again. I had a razor in my hand and I nearly did it but I ran into our room and put our song on instead. So, yeah, you stopped me today. That’s never happened before. My counsellor said that it was huge progress that I did that. It means I am gaining control over it. She told me to tell you this. To try. So I have.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me this before?”

“When you’re in it, it convinces you that no one else can understand you and that everyone hates you because you hate yourself so much. He tells me he’ll never leave me. That nothing I can do will get him out of me. I can’t cut him out, burn him out, drown him in alcohol. None of it works. So today, it was like a miracle that you were in there too and I stopped because I heard you say you loved me. Your love is in here too. I listened to Make You Feel My Love three times and it went away. That’s huge for me. It never really leaves me, you see. I have stretches of time where its not so bad and others where the only thing there is in my mind is darkness. You were the light in the dark today, so I had to tell you that.”

Robert looked like he was going through an ordeal. His eyes had grown larger and Aaron thought he looked like he was about to throw up. Robert put his head in his hands and started shaking. Aaron got up immediately and turned Robert’s head so he could see his face.

“I’m so sorry, Aaron…..so sorry….sorry…”

Robert threw his arms around Aaron and cried like a child while Aaron comforted him. He could feel all the thin bones of Robert’s arms and the protruding ribs under his purple hoodie.

“No, I am! I came here to apologize to you! You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, I do….”

“I left you in that. God, I’m so selfish! I didn’t know it was like that for you…..”

“Only because I didn’t talk about it. That isn’t your fault, it really isn’t. I need to learn to talk about it more. I know that now. And I will. I promise you. I will tell you if I feel it coming back. I’m not saying I’m cured or that it’ll never happen again because I can’t do that. But I can learn to try to be better and speak up. I can promise you that, Robert.”

Aaron knelt down next to Robert’s chair so he could see his face properly. He looked so sad. His eyes were shut tightly and he was breathing was ragged. His fingers were clinging to Aaron’s jumper as if to be certain he was real. He opened his eyes and that haunted, lost look swept over him again.

“I shouldn’t have left you. I’m supposed to be your husband. It’s my job to look after you and I failed. I’m so sorry, Aaron. All I thought of was myself as usual. I’m so ashamed of myself.” Aaron took Robert’s face in his hands and made sure he was looking him direct in the eye.

“Right, you listen to me now. I will not say this again so you better listen, Robert Sugden. I take the blame for that, not you. I did all the shouting and pushing away, me not you. I did this to us and yes, I’m ill but I haven’t so much as acknowledged your existense in the place we live and my illness is no excuse for that. I couldn’t look at you and not because of you, because of me! You’re allowed to want something more than that and I don’t blame you for any of it. You fought and you tried but I couldn’t get out of my head. That isn’t on you. That’s on me and I am so sorry I did that to you. I didn’t look after you at all. What kind of a husband was I to you? I abandoned you. Why wouldn’t you want out of that? I know I did. Can you ever forgive me? Or begin to think of it?”

It took a few seconds for Robert to start to talk and that wild, frantic bird in Aaron’s chest began beating her wings against her cage again. Robert took Aaron’s hands and held them on his own.Please God, please let it have been enough…..

“Aaron, I want to believe you, I do but you have to understand how it was for me.”

“Believe me?”

“That you’re sorry. Because the last time I spoke to you properly, you were gone. Again. That person you were wasn’t my husband. He was twisted, nasty, cruel. I haven’t seen my husband in months and I can’t just let you off the hook because you came here. The last few months have been so hard. I’m so sorry I left you in it. I should have tried harder but I had to go. For me. Do you understand that?”

“Yes. I do. Hard as it is to hear.”

“It was hard to do. I left for myself but I didn’t move on at all. Just worked. I stayed in my room. Saw you occasionally and you would look at me like I disgusted you. You’d just leave. There was no colour anymore. I feel like a ghost. You have your pieces of glass. I have nothing. Like whatever it is that makes me myself has left me and I’m just here….”

“Vic said you’d changed.”

“Yeah….I’ve put a lot on her. It’s horrible but I’ve taken for granted how strong she is. She’s amazing.”

“I took you for granted. I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry, Robert….”

“I know. Do you know what the worst of it is? I forgive you. I know that I’m supposed to be all strong and refuse to be in this but I can’t. We’ve been through too much to be strong enough to end this, haven’t we? I didn’t know how hard that was for you. It’s stupid but all I want right now is to be held by you. I don’t remember what that’s like. Please hold me. Just hold me”

Aaron nodded and his heart felt like it was singing in his chest. He stood and brought Robert to his feet. Aaron unzipped the purple hoodie and slipped it off Robert’s frame. The blue t shirt underneath hung off Robert, his hips jutting out. Aaron looked at Robert who looked away quickly. Aaron lifted Robert’s chin to make eye contact with him.

“Don’t hide from me. It’s okay”

He lifted the t shirt over Robert’s head and despite willing himself not to, he gasped. Robert’s body wasn’t just withered. It was wasted. The bones of his ribs stood out and the skin covering his collarbones was tight and painful. Robert’s blue eyes met Aaron’s. Fear, shame and a quiet challenge shone out of them and Aaron knew in this moment if he didn’t do the right thing it was done.

“Are you sure you can love this?”

“You don’t even have to ask”

Aaron took his own hoodie and top off and skimmed the skin of Robert’s arms with his fingers, tracing his collarbone and jawline before holding Robert’s face in both his strong, beautiful hands.

“You’re okay, Robert. I’m here now”

“Promise?”

Aaron smiled at him and gently kissed his husband and somewhere, somehow the delicate balance that always existed between them righted itself.


End file.
